When a child struggles to tie their shoes, answer a question, or finish a drawing, the words we use in that moment matter more than we realize.
“Try harder.”
“You’re not listening.”
“You always give up.”
Or...
“You’re learning something new, and that takes time.”
“I noticed how you kept going even when it was tricky.”
“What did you learn this time?”
One set of responses builds frustration. The other builds resilience.
That’s the power of coaching language, especially with kids.
The Science Behind Words That Build Brains
According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, early interactions between children and adults, known as “serve and return” exchanges, play a critical role in shaping brain development.
When a child “serves” (asks a question, gestures, or expresses an emotion), how the adult “returns” (responds verbally or emotionally) either strengthens their brain’s neural pathways, or disrupts them.
“Every word, glance, or moment of engagement is either reinforcing a child’s confidence or reshaping their self-concept. That’s the level of power our language holds.”
— Pablo Leites, President of the International Coaching Group
Why Coaching Language Works, Even with Kids
Coaching isn’t therapy, and it’s not lecturing, it’s about curiosity, empowerment, and encouragement. When applied with children, it builds autonomy, emotional intelligence, and self-belief.
According to the American Psychological Association, children exposed to encouraging and autonomy-supportive language are more likely to:
- Take initiative
- Persist through challenges
- Develop a growth mindset
- Show stronger emotional regulation
By shifting from directive commands (“Do this!”) to reflective, open-ended language, we help kids process challenges and build confidence in their problem-solving skills.
Examples of Coaching Language with Kids
| Instead of... | Try saying... |
|---|---|
| “You’re doing it wrong.” | “What’s another way you could try this?” |
| “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” | “I can see this is hard for you. Want to talk about it?” |
| “You’re so smart!” | “You really stuck with that. How did it feel when it started to work?” |
| “Hurry up!” | “Let’s break it into steps—what’s one thing you can do first?” |
“Children coached with the right language learn to listen to themselves with compassion, not just judgment.”
— Yedda Stancil, PCC, Executive Leadership Coach
The Role of Emotional Safety
A study by the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that when children perceive interactions with adults as judgmental or threatening, it activates the fight-or-flight response, reducing cognitive performance and emotional regulation.
On the other hand, emotionally safe interactions, like those modeled through coaching-style communication, help children internalize a positive inner voice, laying the foundation for resilience and self-esteem.
Coaching Isn’t Just for the Boardroom, It Starts at Home
At The International Coaching Group, we’ve seen how coaching transforms leadership teams and workplace cultures. But many of our certified coaches report that their biggest breakthrough happens at home, with their own kids.
The 2022 ICF Global Consumer Awareness Study revealed a growing trend in parents and educators seeking coaching to better support children’s development—not just academic, but emotional and interpersonal as well.
“My son told me, ‘I like talking to you more now because you don’t always try to fix it, you just listen.’ That’s when I knew coaching had changed more than my career. It changed my parenting.”
— ICF Graduate & Parent Coach
Final Thoughts: Coaching Language Builds Future Leaders
When we speak to kids like they matter, like their thoughts are worth hearing and their effort is worth celebrating, we’re not just coaching them through the moment, we’re shaping the way they see themselves for life.
Words are tools.
Use them to build.
Because confidence starts with conversation.
