91 B U I L D I N G A S T R ON G C OMMU N I T Y Returning to Julianna and Mary, it appears that Julianna had Mary on her “A” Team simply because she was an old friend and trusted mentor. As you can see from the Community Wheel, Mary certainly had not earned a place on Julianna’s “A” Team but had probably earned a place in the “C” or even “D” Team. Had Julianna set boundaries with Mary long before, she may have remained in the “A” Team if she was willing to honor the relationship with respectful behavior. If Mary had been willing to acknowledge her behavior and make attempts to modify things after Julianna voiced her concerns, Mary could have been on the “B” Team for a while until Julianna felt safe enough to put her back on the “A” Team once the behavior had been modified. In a final scenario, perhaps Mary was only willing to acknowledge certain concerns Julianna had but denied the rest adamantly. It then would have been wise for Julianna to put Mary on the “C” Team. The whole reason behind categorizing the people in our community into an “A”, “B”, “C” or “D” Team is so we can protect ourselves from relationships that have the potential to deplete our energy (or e-dollars) and to make space for relationships that add to our energy (or e-dollars). It keeps us clear about how we need to be with the people, unhook from damaging or potentially damaging situations, and to hold the people closest to us that truly and genuinely support and affirm our very best and most authentic selves without fooling ourselves about who those people truly are. We have the option to move people around on the wheel at any time. The whole idea is that we are very conscious to how people add to or deplete our energy at any given time. One thing to be clear about here is that people in our community will occasionally let us down. Even the people in our “A” Team. They may break a promise or hurt us in an unintentional, but none-the-less, painful way. The key word here is “occasional”. Without misunderstandings and occasional bumps in the relationship road many relationships wouldn’t grow and flourish to their full potential. Only you can decide when people in your community need to be moved on your Community Wheel. Boundaries Simply put, a boundary is the behavior we hold other people to in our presence, to protect ourselves from damaging situations. When someone does or says something to us that doesn’t feel right or is hurtful, many of us get triggered to go on the defense immediately. This is an indication of reacting versus responding. In order to make strong boundaries that have the highest potential to avoid conflict and really make a difference there are some skills we can employ and some things to learn that will truly allow us to respond to the situation at hand.
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