93 B U I L D I N G A S T R ON G C OMMU N I T Y In order to set a boundary a strong boundary with someone it is important that we lose our “charge” first and that we don’t come at the person with anger, accusation and/or attack. The best way to lose the “charge” or greatly decrease it is to shift from looking at what the person has done or said as being WRONG and shift into thinking about what DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU in what has just been done or said. For example, you may have a boss that micromanages you and overexplains direction on what she expects from you. This makes you feel as if you are incapable of thinking for yourself and in spite of a near flawless performance record, you are considered inept at what you do. She has just handed you what would be an interesting project but begins to launch into what you know will be a 20 minute explanation for a 30 minute project. You may begin to feel your anger mounting as she patronizes you with painfully obvious details and may begin to tune her out as she continues. If you can stop the mounting anger and redirect your thoughts to what is not working for you, you can begin to organize your thoughts about how you want to inform her about it and the request you can make of her to begin to modify these types of situations. You may want to wait until she pauses in her instructions and say something like, “Barbara, before we continue on with this can I talk to you for a minute about how we convey information to one another regarding what you would like me to do?” And from there you could tell her that because of the great detail she goes into when giving you direction IT MAKES YOU FEEL as if she does not trust you to think for yourself or that you do not have the ability to do a good job. Assure her that she can trust you and remind her that your past performance suggests that. Then, request that in the future she starts out giving you minimal instruction and that you promise to ask questions if something is not clear to you. Also let her know that if she finds that you do not do as good of a job with minimal instruction you can then reevaluate the best way for the two of you to communicate. Many of us tend to get the energy we need to make a boundary with someone by letting things get so out of hand that we just blow up with them one day. This can be extremely counterproductive for everyone. This often comes from a prevailing belief that to make a boundary with someone means automatic confrontation and conflict. This is not true. If you gently inform someone using “I” statements (which remove accusatory tones) and make a request of them all without a charge or anger on your part, boundaries are often honoured and things change without any conflict or confrontation.
RkJQdWJsaXNoZXIy MTMxNTEyNA==