94 P E R S ON A L G R OU N DWO R K F O R C OAC H I N G When you can trust yourself to protect yourself no matter what, you can open yourself to a whole new world of possibilities. MORE ON DISCONNECT Disconnecting people from our lives can be painful and difficult but to continue with them can be even more excruciating and certainly depletes our energy in enormous ways. Depending on the type of relationship you want to end you may need professional help from a skilled therapist to help you navigate your way out of the relationship and hold yourself intact at the same time. In the workplace this may involve assistance from Human Resources and/or the person(s) you report to. But for relationships we need to end that don’t have huge emotional circuits hardwired into our psyche, or present complications to our career, there is a rather simple process to follow. Assuming that this is a personal relationship and you have set boundaries that have not been honoured; and you have decided firmly that this person needs to be disconnected from your community, it is time to starting thinking about saying goodbye. It is important that you say it in a very clear way that you wish them well, but they are no longer allowed in your life. Be certain to keep anything that may be interpreted as accusatory out of the conversation. Again, it is about what is not working for you and that you can no longer have it in your life at all. It is important to remain very firm and yet very calm and to not get sidetracked by irrelevant comments, lengthy explanations, or a plea for another chance. You may want to practice the conversation beforehand with yourself or do a role play with someone else. If you can outline three one- or two-word points you want to get across in the conversation for yourself in advance, it will keep you focused and on track with the conversation and will also give you an ending point. Remember, less is more. It is unlikely that the person you are disconnecting will take the news calmly. They will most likely go on the defensive and begin telling you all the things you have done wrong and try to spin it around on you or cop a plea of why you are wrong in your judgment. Instead of engaging or being hooked into defending yourself or your position, it is important to return to your firm disconnect using segues like, “That may be true, but …” or “In spite of what you just said ...” and then return to your bottom line of this relationship not working and it being over. In the event that this person brings up a valid point that catches your attention and invites you to rethink your decision, remember that you have a right to change your
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